The Art Of CoParenting: Go With Your First Answer, So You Dont Put Your Children to the Test

CHILDWell, the relationship is over and while the separation was sad and emotional, you’ve arrived at a good place. Most of the emotion has waned and you’re feeling confident about moving on.

Whoa! In walks your ex one day and the flames are raging again. You’re wondering “what if we tried again?” What do you do?

First, as much as you may be tempted to run into his arms, profess your undying love, tell him you’re sorry for everything that went wrong and say you want him back, take a minute to sit with the feelings. Dig in and find out where they are coming from. Reflect on what went wrong and certainly take a minute to ask yourself why you may be feeling this way.

Children can heal from the pain of divorce if the parents are present, participatory and provide a safe place to express their hurt, anger and disappointment without fear of those emotions being invalidated. I suspect that round one of your separation was enough to rock their world pretty good. They may just be gaining some sense of stability with schedules, the realization that they still have both parents and that their parents still love them. Before you renege on your decision to be apart and give your children hope that their parents will be together again, think about the following:

  • Why did it end in the first place?
  • What would be different on the second time around?
  • Why would you want to try it again? 
  • What do you want from him?

  If you decided to try again, how would you present it to the children?I firmly believe in the institution of marriage when two people go to the same source for answers (for me it’s God), connect on important issues, communicate their wants, beliefs, hurts, needs and true emotions with each other and not others, and commit to being true to themselves within the relationship; with the ultimate goal of preserving the friendship first.

Revisiting the relationship may be a good thing or even a great thing. However, the children deserve your serious consideration of this matter. Given the strain on their emotions from the first break up, making every effort to ensure stability in their future is worth you taking a good look before jumping in again.

If you both decide that it’s worth another try, maybe keeping the relationship under wraps until you’re sure may also be something to consider.

Failing is not always a bad thing. In it, there is opportunity for great learning and a “do over”. And sometimes, it also lets you know where not to put your focus.

Sometimes it’s good to go with your first answer so you don’t put your children to the test.