21 Things Only Moms of Teething Babies Know

Teething is a real b*tch, am I right? And in our home, it seemed that as soon as we made it through the sleepless newborn stage with our squirming little ball of fun, the teething life reared its ugly head. Now, many months later, we’re still there. And from my friends down the street with kids as old as 2 (2 YEARS OLD?!), I hear it’s not stopping anytime soon. So, to all my mamas who are clutching on tight to that cold glass of Pinot Grigio after a long day of teething hell, let me just say: You’re not alone. Here are the 21 things only we know:

1. Teething causes rashes, diarrhea, fevers, and approximately 286 other ailments that make absolutely no sense at all

2. That frozen fruit in a mesh holder is a GROSS MESS (*but worth the 15 minutes of silence it delivers)

3. That you have approximately 1,000 teething toys in every imaginable shape, pattern, and color in your freezer

4. At 3 a.m., your baby will insist on having the one teething toy you can’t find

5. That teething babies need a new bib approximately every three minutes 

6. That “My baby is teething” translates directly to “I’m in hell” in every language

7. The obsessive fear you feel when your nursing baby becomes a teething baby

8. Second only to the crush of pain you feel when your nursing, teething baby becomes a biting baby

9. Swearing by teething jewelry after it calms your baby down, once

10. …Then throwing it in the trash in a fit of rage the first time it doesn’t work

11. That a teething baby in the throes of an Exorcist-style meltdown has the strength of 10 angry men

12. That spending one day with a baby cutting a molar is as painful as three sleepless nights in a row

13. That wine was invented for moms of teething babies

14. The inner eye roll you do every time your MIL talks about how she rubbed bourbon on her children’s gums when they were teething, and ‘They turned out just fine!’

15. Even though the bourbon thing is VERY TEMPTING

16. That “Where is that dropper thingy for the pain reliever?!” is your 3 a.m. mantra

17. Because searching Pinterest for DIY remedies in the middle of the night is JUST NOT HAPPENING

18. That forearm hickeys are a thing

19. That you will let your teething baby gnaw on anything in your grocery cart that keeps her quiet. And yes, you will pay for it, dammit. SO STOP JUDGING ME, RANDOM STRANGER!

20. The sweet satisfaction you feel every time a new tooth finally pops through…

21. Followed swiftly by the panic of, OH SH*T, IS THAT A NEW TOOTH COMING IN? 

Photo: Getty