Kids these days are more stressed than ever. Maybe it’d be a good idea to turn off all the gadgets and teach them the practice of meditation? It’s a wonderful art to master, for it helps center you, calm you, and make you less likely to throw things at people when you’re cranky. Those are highly desired qualities in one’s offspring. Bonus: It also gives you some peace and quiet in your day.
If you’d like to give it a try, below are real instructions on how to do so. Don’t worry, it takes into consideration how this will really go. Good luck!
1. Choose a serene, uncluttered place. So maybe leave your house and find an expanse of grass in the woods somewhere? Because there’s no chance this exists in a place kids live.
2. Make it quiet. Take his phone and her handheld game and your phone and shut them all off. Not silent mode because the vibrating is loud enough to wake the dead (which would make your time sitting in the woods even creepier).
3. Put on comfortable clothes. And take everything out of your pockets. Maybe remove the macaroni necklace your wearing and her crown and his Minecraft pickaxe, too.
4. Stretch and sit. No, don’t wrestle. I SAID NO WRESTLING, KIDS.
5. Close your eyes and breathe slowly, quietly. SHHHHHHHHH!
6. Tell kids that even with your eyes closed you can hear them hitting each other.
7. I SAID QUIETLY AND STOP HITTING.
8. Now, everyone focus on something, whether it be an object, goal, or calming thought.
9. No, not a fart joke. We are not meditating on fart jokes.
10. Tell everyone to focus on the quiet thing for at least 5 minutes.
11. Every 7 seconds, tell someone else to be quiet.
12. Get an itch on your nose, scratch it, listen to your kid reprimand you for not sitting still.
13. Try not to laugh when your kid farts.
14. BEG FOR SILENCE.
15. Seven seconds later open one eye to see the kids making faces at each other, give up, go home, send them to their rooms, and enjoy the quiet. (Finally.)
Graphic: Kim Bongiorno