alimartell

Fine, I Admit It: I’m A Little V-Steam Curious

gpsteaming_sized 
This week I retweeted something I wish I had written. 
 You know, if only I was funny on purpose, and not that way I am normally funny, which is accidentally. 
 
I actually kind of don’t hate Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s Margot Tenenbaum. And she admitted that she should have worn a bra with her Oscar dress.  
 
And while I typically don’t share her often bizarre and mostly controversial Gooptastic views on everything from kale to conscious uncoupling to $351 pajamas, I’m kind of shocked that she’s one of the most-hated celebrities right now. Actually, THE most hated celebrity. Guys, she beat out Kanye West and Justin Bieber. There is even a book called Is Gwyneth Paltrow Wrong About Everything? No. REALLY. 
 
I guess it’s because she’s hilariously off the mark and almost always out of touch with her audience. She says gaspable things, such as this winner about how easy it is for everyone to exercise: “Every woman can make time (to work out) — every woman — and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I’ve worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work.” And, you know, the overpriced pajamas. Mine cost $19.99 at Target. 
 
Gwyneth Paltrow is once again in the news. And once again, she appears to have completely lost her mind, recommending that women everywhere partake in a vaginal steam cleaning at Tikkun Spa in Santa Monica. It’s…a facial for your lady parts, I guess? Every article in circulation is kindly asking — and not-so-kindly demanding — that Ms. Paltrow stay out of our lady business and go back to talking about robes and overpriced children’s toys. The same way you wouldn’t manually clean your self-cleaning oven, there seems to be no reason to steam clean a self-cleaning body part. And there’s that whole risk of scalding. (Here’s where I uncomfortably cross my legs. OUCH
 
Also seriously who has time for a vagina spa day? I mean, I have children, a job, a part-time job, a house on the market, and a little problem with insomnia. I barely have time to shave my legs and remember to put on deodorant. I had ombre hair years before ombre was in style because I simply didn’t have time for hair maintenance. My daughters do my nails and I have decided that I need to have Emma Watson’s bold brows because it’s easier than booking in a threading appointment. Also threading makes me cry. 
 
Here’s the thing, though. 
*small voice*
I’m a little v-steam curious. 
 
According to the Tikkun website, their 30-minute, $50 signature v-steam is the talk of the town and “…inspired by an ancient ritual practiced for hundreds of years in Korea. This steaming treatment stimulates the production of hormones to maintain uterine health, aids regular menstrual cycles, clears up hormonal acne, promotes circulation, and helps correct digestive disorders.” 
 
As someone who suffers from both irregular cycles and regular digestive issues, this seems kind of appealing to me. And even though squatting over a steaming pot of herbs with names straight out of a Harry Potter book (mugwort and wormwood) whilst wearing a tent-like structure from the waist down seems awkward, I have had three babies and numerous Brazilian waxes; I have cornered the market on awkward. 
 
Truth be told, I have never had an actual facial for my face. So the chances that I’m racing out to get one for my vagina are fairly slim to none. 
 
But maybe I need to try it. Just once. For research. 
 
I mean, how could all of those ancient Koreans — and Gwyneth Paltrow — be wrong?