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The Best Ways to Gain Weight this Holiday Season

gain weightHappy Eating Season! That’s right. To most of the world, November marks the beginning of the holiday season. But if you’re really paying attention, you know that holiday season = time to eat.

Die-hard eaters really dread the holidays. With Halloween, Thanksgiving dinner, holiday parties, Hannukah or Christmas and New Year’s Eve celebrations, ‘tis the season to pack on the pounds. But don’t worry, chowing down and blowing up isn’t all bad.

Instead of dreading the potential pounds that Christmas party will give you, why not embrace it? Because in all honestly, dieting is no fun and stuffing your face with marshmallow mangers and roasted ham is. So instead of doing that juice cleanse to avoid shoving all those passed hors d’ouvres in your face, why not try to gain weight this holiday season? After all, you’re guaranteed a good time and you’ll still have 4 months post-New Year’s Eve before anyone will really notice that you just ate your way through winter.

So put on your fat pants and pass the gravy. This holiday season's going to be fun!

1) Trick Or Treat In Your Kids’ Treat Bags. Sure, your kids spent 2 solid hours going door-to-door collecting every Mars bar known to mankind. But let’s face it, 2 days later they’ve forgotten their candy is even there. Fortunately, you haven’t. Put the kids to be early and open that Ninja Turtle treat bag. Dig in. You’ve got work to do.

2) The Holiday Boutique Bake Sale. You say your going to the kid’s school’s holiday boutique to pick up some gifts, but really what you’ve got your eye on is the boutique’s bake sale. Between those lemon Bundt cakes and the chocolate dipped Rice Crispy treats, you won’t make it out of the parking lot without putting on a few pounds. Or at least, that’s how it feels.

3) Invite The In-Laws For Thanksgiving! Normally, inviting your Mother-In-Law over for the mother of all holidays is a recipe for disaster. But what better excuse to binge-eat that entire peach cobbler than the stress of your husband’s mother telling you how much better her turkey is or reminding you she only gained 11 pounds when she was pregnant? You’ll need to finish every delicious piece of food on your plate (s). It’s a matter or survival.

4) Save Every Leftover. Everyone knows it’s a fundamental responsibility to eat every Thanksgiving leftover within 24-hours. And if possible stay away from all that healthy turkey, unless of course it’s smothered in gravy. You’re well into holiday season now. Hopefully you’ve had to open a belt loop or two. Only 5 more weeks, you can gain more!

5) Become Jewish. Hannukah never seemed glamorous before, but now that you know we Jews have 8 whole days of fried potato pancakes (yes, I said fried) and that chocolate coins are given out like dollar bills in Vegas, you’re starting to think that Hannukah isn’t really just “Jewish Christmas.” It’s better. And, more fattening.

6) Say Yes To The Office Holiday Party. You’ve always passed on the party at the boss’ house, or at least made any early appearance before cutting out. But if there’s one thing every holiday party has, it’s tons of cheesey, oouey, gooey, fattening foods. And since it’s rude to insult the boss by not eating, dig in! That baked brie just might be your real holiday bonus.

7) Watch Football With The Hubs. Yes, it’s boring as..wait, there’s chips? And guac? And foot-long-subs? The hubs just may be smarter than you think. So put on your team jersey (is there a “Team Food?”) and break out the face paint. Football is just a license to spend a whole day on the couch, ignoring your children and eating hot wings and burgers. Go team!

8) Christmas Dinner/Christmas Morning. You became Jewish, but that was just for the Hannukah treats. The motherlode of stuffing your face is Christmas dinner. And since no one I’ve ever met can tell me if Christmas is actually Christmas eve night or Christmas day eve, I say make both Christmas. Eat up. It’s Jesus’ birthday!

9) Vacation Time! While all your friends are texting you from Cabo or Aspen, you’re text’ing them from the refrigerator aisle at Kroger. That’s because your vacation this year is from your diet. So sure it seems glamorous to go to Cancun with the kids, but the grocery store is closer. And, there’s food there.

10) New Year’s Day. Once you’re a mom, New Year’s Eve isn’t all it used to be. It’s tough to get a sitter and the kids are still going ot get up at the crack of down so getting saucy til the wee hours of the am just doesn’t seem fun. But with nothing to do and no one to do it with on New Year’s Day, you’re going to keep the kids entertained. That means projects, which usually means cooking. So break out the pancake mix and get the blender going. You’ve got cookies to make and pancakes to eat. The holidays aren’t technically over until tomorrow.