Things That Gross Me Out About Motherhood

DisgustBreast-feeding grosses me out. I know that’s not “p.c.” to say, but the thought of feeding a human being from a human body part kinda makes my stomach turn. Mind you it didn’t gross me out when I did it, for a year, exclusively. And I don’t think it’s gross when a mom nurses her child. It’s just the thought of it. I can’t quite wrap my head around the “I’m a food-source” of it all.

So for the record, I think it’s great. It’s just that I also think it’s gross.

And that’s not all. While breastfeeding is fantastic, lovely, natural and a little gross, there’s plenty about motherhood that’s gross without the lovely. Like, have you ever taken your baby’s diaper off right when he or she needed it most, mid-poo? Faster than you can grab that fresh diaper, you’ll put your hand directly under the baby’s tush and catch the creation yourself. It’s a maternal reflex. We all do it. And it’s totally disgusting.

So is:

Birthing A Human Out Of Your Vagina.

I know, I know. It’s fantastic, lovely and natural, too. But come on, isn’t a person coming out of a person also a little gross? Like in a horror movie kind of a way?

Engorged Knockers.

You may love your breastfeeding “D-Cup.” But when those babies get engorged or are late to feed, they’ll look like something out of National Geographic. The hubs won’t mind, but you may.

Picking Your Kid’s Nose.

Personally, when I see a dangling booger in my kid’s nose, I see it as a challenge. I have to get in there, with my bare hands, as if I’m wrestling a bear. A very disgusting green bear.

Inserting A…Um..Well I’ll Just Say It…A Suppository.

Wiping your kid’s butt will seem like paradise compared to having to manually insert medicine into it.

Getting Thrown Up On.

Add getting pee’d on to this one and you’ve got one nasty double-header. The only good thing about getting puked on is when the kid misses and doesn’t puke directly into your mouth. That would be really gross.

Children Farting On You.

Kids’ farts are vile. What's worse? There is nothing a kid likes more than farting on someone, preferably his Mom. Who will be completely grossed out, which will make her kid giggle. And giggle. And giggle.

Doing The Kids’ Laundry.

You never really minded doing the laundry, until the little one got out of diapers and the big one started sports. No matter how clean your kids are, there comes an age when every child’s clothing smells like a feet/blue cheese cocktail. Okay, that’s gross.

Rectal Thermometers.

‘Nuff said. 

As our kids get older, we’re also going to have garbage cans filled with maxi pads and have to teach our girls how to use tampons. We’ll have questionably “crunchy” tube socks shoved under the mattress and a kid who asks you to look at his man-junk to make sure it looks normal. It’ll be gross, but it’ll be delightful. Because even though motherhood is gross, it’s also pretty fantastic.

Now, stop farting on your mother.